I have this friend, let us call her Bella. She was in what you can refer to as a one-sided relationship for many years.
Most times she spoke about her boyfriend it was with uncertainty and trepidation. “I feel he doesn’t want me to hurt him. You know his ex-girlfriend died in a house fire and he said he still can’t get over the sight of her charred remains”.
In the beginning, I was sympathetic to this ex-boyfriend situation. I would listen and would offer advice. One day, out of curiosity, I asked her when his ex-girlfriend died and she told me 10 years ago.
I don’t mean to invalidate his grief, but ten years is a long time to still be emotionally unavailable to your current girlfriend, and refuse to be consistently loving in a new relationship.
He also avoided being seen in public with her and shunned any opportunities to meet her friends and loved ones.
It took her years to finally get the message that it was unrequited love.
She wanted it to work, and sometimes he could be really sweet, and this aided her confusion. But the times when she was in agony far outweighed the good times.
What is One Side Love?
Unrequited love is the love felt by one person in a relationship. It is love or emotional feelings that are not reciprocated by one person in the relationship. It is a one-sided experience that can leave us feeling pain, grief, and shame.
You may think it would be easy to tell if love is unrequited, but it isn’t always clear and can cause a lot of confusion and emotional turmoil.
Films and books have often romanticised unrequited love. Stories, where a person’s love for another, are met with derision. But this person continues to endure humiliation and hurt.
How You Know It Is One-Love
There are many signs of unrequited love. Here are a few;
1. This person may not know you exist or the feelings you have for them
2. Most of the good you do for them is unacknowledged or treated with triviality
3. They don’t act like they are accountable to you
4. They introduce you as a friend and freely tell you about dinner or film dates with others
5. If you are in a sexual relationship, you feel used afterward
6. You have more conversations in your head with this person than actual conversations
7. This person is in your daydreams as a romantic and attentive lover
How To Heal From Unrequited Love
One of the most painful experiences we can have as human beings is loving someone who doesn’t love us back. It can lead to intense sadness and sometimes people develop an aversion to love because of their experiences with unrequited love.
You are not the problem
There is the tendency to think you are not good enough because the person you love refuses to love you back. It is important to know that their inability to love you back or the way you should be loved is not your problem.
Allow yourself to mourn the loss of a relationship that you thought you have.
Most times, you are so appalled by your apparent blindness to the red flags you observed in the relationship that you quickly want to move on. In getting over a lost love on one side love, you can’t rush things.
Say what needs to be said
I once dated someone who blew hot and cold. I wasn’t sure if he reciprocated my feelings or not. So one day I asked him and he told me he wasn’t ready for the type of love I wanted. This conversion freed me and him.
Don’t grovel or beg
Respect yourself when this person shows and tells you they don’t return your feelings. We may battle feelings of low self-esteem after someone shows us they don’t want to be in a relationship with us. Don’t stalk them, don’t disrespect yourself by waiting around for them to change their mind.
Love happens to us not just in relationships but in life. Sometimes you love a dress so much and dreamed of owning it, but when you wear it, it just won’t fit.
And there is nothing you can do about it. Or you want a job so bad but they tell you they met better-qualified candidates. Sometimes the things or people you want don’t want you back and that will never change.
When you stay with a person who doesn’t love you back, you could miss out on a chance to be with the person who will love you like you are perfect, the love of your life!
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